Not all sibling rivalries are created equal. What might look like petty fights, jealousy, or emotional distance on the surface can often be rooted in something much deeper—especially when one sibling is neurodivergent and undiagnosed. In households where one child seems ‘difficult,’ ‘too sensitive,’ or ‘constantly acting out,’ the labels stick, resentment grows, and the rift widens. But what if those behaviours were signs of an unseen struggle, a brain wired differently, silently crying out for understanding? This piece explores the complex dynamics of sibling relationships shaped by invisible challenges—and how recognition, compassion, and awareness can begin to heal what rivalry alone cannot explain.
In recognition of Siblings Day on April 10, Dr. Manuela Paone, Clinical Psychologist at Thrive Wellbeing Centre, shed light on an often-overlooked aspect of sibling relationships—how undiagnosed neurodivergence can shape family dynamics, fueling rivalry and misunderstandings.
Dr. Paone explores the challenges families face when neurodivergence, such as ADHD, remains unidentified in one or more siblings. Through real-life insights and expert guidance, she provides a compassionate roadmap for parents and caregivers to foster deeper understanding, reduce conflict, and create a more supportive family environment.
As awareness of neurodiversity continues to grow, this discussion is more timely than ever, offering families the tools they need to navigate sibling relationships with empathy and knowledge.
Sibling rivalry is common in many families, but it becomes more complex when one sibling has an undiagnosed neurodivergence, such as autism (ASD) or ADHD. Statistics indicate that ASD affects 1 in 146 births in UAE*, while a study** found that ADHD affects about 4% of school-aged students in Dubai. The lack of a diagnosis can amplify interpersonal difficulties and make sibling relationships more challenging. Neurodivergence is so widespread that, in partnership with the WHO, the UAE launched the Autism Ambassador programme to acknowledge the importance of supporting neurodivergent individuals and their families, while promoting an inclusive community. This article from Dr Manuela at Thrive Wellbeing Centre explores how undiagnosed neurodivergence can impact sibling rivalry and how to foster an inclusive environment that embraces neurodiversity.
Sibling rivalry is typically driven by competition for parental attention, independence, and self-assertion. When one sibling is neurodivergent and undiagnosed, this competition can turn into misunderstandings, and deeper conflicts. Neurodivergent siblings often face distinct social, emotional, and cognitive challenges compared to neurotypical peers; they might feel isolated due to differences in communication styles, sensory processing, or their ability to engage in typical social situations. These relationships often become marked by competition and resentment instead of healthy sibling bonds. On the other hand, neurotypical siblings may struggle to understand their neurodivergent sibling’s needs, and may feel inferior, especially if their neurodivergent sibling appears to excel in certain areas, which can undermine their self-esteem. A neurotypical sibling may feel neglected or frustrated, while the neurodivergent sibling perceives their behaviour as hostile or confusing.
The Lack of Diagnosis: A Barrier to Empathy
Without a proper diagnosis and understanding of these conditions, a child with ADHD may appear “lazy”, while a child with autism may seem distant or “strange”. Rivalry can intensify on both sides. Despite their efforts, parents may become frustrated and fail to provide proper emotional support due to a lack of awareness.
Overcoming Rivalry: The Importance of Diagnosis and Psychoeducation
If sibling rivalry is not addressed, it can have long-term negative effects on the relationship. The neurodivergent child may grow up feeling marginalised, “different” or “wrong,” while the neurotypical sibling may feel constantly in competition or unable to receive the attention they crave. However, a proper diagnosis and family awareness can shift this dynamic, allowing both siblings to develop empathy and appreciate each other’s differences.
Sibling Rivalry: The Case of Alex and Eden
Alex, 26, has a younger brother, Eden, 24. The parental attention seems to focus on Alex, who excels academically but struggles to interact with others or pick up emotional cues. Eden feels invisible, jealous whenever Alex attracts attention, and becomes convinced he is not “enough”. For Alex, the situation is equally hard. He feels misunderstood and perceives Eden’s frustrations as personal attacks, reinforcing his sense of loneliness. On the advice of a therapist, their parents decide to have both evaluated. Alex is diagnosed with high-functioning autism, a revelation for the family. Alex isn’t “strange” or “difficult”—neurodivergence influences his perception of the world and how he interacts with others.
The Diagnosis: A Revelation and Turning Point
Eden initially struggles to understand Alex’s autism and how it justifies the behaviours he found frustrating. The therapist uses the analogy of the “Ugly Duckling” to help them understand.
“The first time I saw the ‘ugly duckling’, a baby swan, I realised that it is a beautiful miniature swan with soft, pearl-gray feathers. Looking at that wonderful creature, I understood that it’s not ugly – it’s different!”
Neurodivergence is also like this, the discovery of a hidden treasure. Alex, like the duckling, is not “wrong” or “inferior” to Eden; he’s just “different.” Diversity, like in the case of the cygnet, doesn’t mean less value, but a different kind of beauty and functioning that deserves to be understood and accepted.
Eden and Alex begin to view each other with new empathy. Eden understands that Alex isn’t ignoring him, and Alex learns that Eden’s reactions are not personal rejections but responses to his social challenges.
Conclusions: The Diagnosis as a Tool for Growth
A neurodivergence diagnosis is a crucial step in understanding and acceptance, not only for the individual but also for their family. For Alex and Eden, the diagnosis helps them break the cycle of misunderstanding and move toward a more collaborative relationship. Eden was able to eliminate the false beliefs he had about himself, drastically improving his self-esteem. Alex realised that he has the “superpowers” associated with neurodivergence, accepting and processing that, like all superheroes, he also experiences the downsides.
For additional information and resources, please visit www.thrive.ae